I don't want to finish last

I remember a time when I was told:

“Treat others how you would like to be treated.”

“Do to others what you would like bestowed upon you.”

“Don’t dish it unless you can take it.”

…

I must have taken this advice too literally because as an adult I find that none of this helps.

The older and (hopefully) wiser I get I am learning that simply being “a nice person” does not fend well in the “real world.”

Yes, perhaps in the playground playing nice and being fair was okay (yes, just okay), but as an adult I see that you need to be callus, cunning and conniving. These are the people who find success, achieve greatness, and most importantly don’t get hurt.

Where is this sinister outlook on the world stemming from?

Life experience.

I am a nice person. Simple. If I like someone I place that person’s needs before mine, and when it is not reciprocated (and it usually never is) I get hurt. More than hurt, I am disappointed. 

… disappointed in myself for (and dare I say it) being “too nice.”

Friends, lovers, family (not necessarily in that order) have all hurt me because of this detrimental trait, but I just cant seem to switch it off. It is me, it is who I am.

People have left my life and their final words have always been “you’re so nice,” “stay being who you are” or the worst “you are the nicest girl I know.”

And I think “well okay, you’re walking away, does that mean you want people who are not nice in your life?” Or “should I have been more selfish, crude and spiteful, would that make you want to stay?”

I don’t get it, but the message is clear. Being nice doesn’t pay off.

And I know what most readers would be thinking – anyone who leaves my life because I was “too nice” doesn’t deserve to be apart of it. Am I right?

Yes, to a certain point.

I love to people watch especially in social situations. I once watched a couple argue on New Year’s Eve because She didn’t say that He was the best thing that happened to her throughout the year and said something else was, after he had iterated it to his friends and family earlier. He was devastated, and Her answer was “relax, just because you said it I don’t need to!”

I was stunned. How can she be so cruel? After He poured His heart out to his nearest and dearest she dismissed him, and simply didn’t feel bad!

I felt bad for Him though, and kept thinking how could never bring myself to talk to my partner like that!

But that’s my problem.

I am too nice, and time after time I am disappointed…in myself.

I will always be a nice person - that is who I am. But I guess I need to work on allowing people to earn it before I deem them worthy.

Oh and the couple who fought on New Years Eve, well He proposed to Her with a 3 carat diamond ring - just saying. 

The better unknown

On the quest to find happiness, true happiness, I have been hurt. I have cried, been lied to, manipulated, cheated on, used...well you get the point. 

...but I don’t care.

I am open to everything; to every experience, to every smile, to every tear…well you get the point.

There are so many people I have met who are afraid to be hurt, afraid of the unknown, and lull themselves into an existence where they are coerced (wrongfully, by none other than themselves) into being happy by finding comfort in the known. They are convinced (again, wrongfully) either by their own judgement or by the experience of others that where they are and what they know is that they want - but it is not. Fear holds them back, and it so blatantly obvious, to me anyway.

How sad. Bad experiences have made them shy away from living because they are scared of what might be.

…to hell with that!

The bad means I appreciate the good. It means I learnt something, and better ones are around the corner. 

I can’t be bothered to pretend - I am excited about life, I love life, and even though my eyes have cried, I don't dare to hold back because I know when it is all said and done I have lived – and to me that is more important than protecting myself from the unknown. 

In reality you don't know, and what you don't know may be better than what you do!