Vulnerable Insecurity

I was told yesterday by someone that I was the most insecure person that they know. And I thought about it, and I was. Well, i dont know if I was the most insecure person that they knew, but I was insecure. Sometimes I just dont feel good enough, actually I think the word is "worthy." I just feel like having me around is a chore, is a task, so much so not an enjoyable concept. I have come to learn that I am my own worst enemy. Lately I have had thoughts, actually no scrap that, I have had demons digging away at the thoughts in my head, stimulating them into dark, negative shadows within my head.

There is a dark whole, a pit in the centre of my gut, it is open, and out of it is flowing my tears . "Stay strong," I tell myself, "after the storm comes the rainbow," but its hard. It is hard not to cry, it is hard to lift my head and gaze, it is hard to inhale and even harder to allow my heart to beat without exerting pain. My best friend told me that I enjoy feeling this way, but I promise that I dont. I have been happy, I have flown, but I find that each time I do I just crash and burn; each time I fly I just fall.

I read somewhere once that everyone has the same mission in life; to find themselves and to find love. So then why are some people insecure; why am I insecure? I just have the same mission as everyone else in this life, but yet i feel inadequate. Why do i doubt myself and my goals if they are the same as everyone elses? Is everyone insecure? Maybe everyone secretly doubts themselves?

I feel like Im trapped, and even if I wanted to get out of this bubble of negatvity I couldnt.

Maybe I just dont want to.

Fatal Attraction

Everyone loves (or at least likes) their friends...I mean, afterall you choose them. They are your special selection of people that you have chosen to spend your time with, associate with, share your dreams with, laugh with, fight with and cry with. So then why do we fight with them, why do they annoy us, why do we drift apart, who do we lose touch and why do we make eachother cry? This goes back to my theory on "gifts" (refer to "Lovers and Gifts" (Sept 6) ) whereby you would go to the ends of the Earth for your "true" friends. But how do you know who your gifts and your friends are? For me, its the feeling I receive when I am around certain people. Suddenly, I become wrapped within a certain person, I forget everything that annoys me and everything that angers me and I concentrate on the happiness that the person I am with brings me. I mean yeah, ofcourse, friends make you feel good too, but its the "gifts" that really make a deep impact in your life. Could you say then that you "LOVE" your gifts. Well "love" is a strong word you see, and honestly I dont think I know the difference between "love" and "deep like" so I can't comment on that topic. What I do know is that deep like is a great feeling, but you know what, sometimes when I like someone a lot, when I am in deep like with someone, I get upset.

I know, I know, it sounds odd, but it upsets me because your feelings are YOURS, and to have strong feelings for somebody else, no matter what sex they are upsets me. Sometimes when I like someone alot I have a tendency to put aside my own interests to satisfy the other person. That is what upsets me. Why should someone do that, no matter how much they like someone. Shouldn't they like themselves more? It confuses me to an extent you wouldnt believe.

I once read that "love" is just a chemical reaction of the brain. I heard somewhere else that "love" is nothing but a cultural creation, titilsed by commercial exaggerations, including Valentines Day and the whole romance genre. My analogy is deeper than all that. It is a universal force that pulls and entices someone to you. All of your senses become involved in "loving" a certain person. It is called "ATTARCTION." And attraction doesnt only occur on a physical level, it is a spiritual and mental force that pulls you to somebody else.

I suppose then that that is what you build your friend basis upon-attraction. You are attracted to a certain person and thus want to spend your time with them-that is a friend-the gifts are those who stick around.

So why do we fight with our friends, and why do friendships crumble? Is it because we arent "attracted" to that person anymore? Have we found someone else more attractive? Has the person/people become unattractive? Hmmm, the concept is interesting and applies to everybody in everyday life, although nobody actually knows the answer to it.

More simply, "why do we get over people?"

Lovers and Gifts

Do you believe in destiny? That the universe works in some weird and wanderful way to bring you closer to somebody else, or that what is supposedly "meant to be" happens to you? I may sound pretentious but I have to say that yes, I do believe in this force called "destiny" or this concept of "meant to be." I especially believe in this term when it comes to meeting and befriending people. One of my best friends told me last night that I don't think I will actually forget. He told me that two different types of people enter your life; friends and gifts. Friends are those who come and go, who are there for the good times, who are there for a little while, but they make no real inprint within your life. You have a great laugh with them, but there is no real spiritual connections or bond that makes your relationship special. And then there are gifts, and you dont "receive" gifts very often. Gifts are those people who enter your life solemnly and chnage your life swiftly, most of them without any intention or notice. Gifts are those good people who make YOU a better person. Gifts are those people who make you think about how much you have chnaged, and how much of a better person you have become and because of such make a tear seep down from the inside of your eye onto your chin and land upon your pillow, eventually soaking it. Luckily, I have a few gifts in my life. I will keep them nameless but they know who they are. Actually, in retrospect I dont think i let people know adequately what they mean to me and the degree of impact they have on my life. There are 3 people in particular I can think of at the moment and I think straight after I read I am going to give them a call or hug them--hopefully they will read this so that they know why I just gave thema bear hug or told them I loved them.Well thats it, my lunchbreak is over, I gotta get back to work now.I hope what I have said will make you think twice about your friends and how much they really mean to you, because dont forget your are born into your family, but your friends are the family that you chose for yourself.

stable relationships are for horses

I never ever thought I would blog but here I am blogging away at my desk, continually minimising this page so that my authoritairs dont catch me and potentially FIRE me. They will do that you know, one wrong thing and your gone, so youde think that only the crem de la crem work at my job, the very best of the best, the highest ranking...BLAH BLAH BLAH...nuu im kidding, but still, im continually ducking the page...but enough about that.

Umm, so blogging ey? Im a pretty interesting person (or so I hope) but I really cant think of anything to write. I dont want to give a profile review of myself so I will just start by explaining my desires in life, and what I aspire become in the not so distant future.

A writer.

I want to write for the rest of my life. Novels, poetry, short stories, lyrics, editorials, BLOGS, letters, ANYTHING... Just give me a pen and paper (or a laptop) and Ill create magic, I mean look at what im doing right now--its mystical, wouldnt you think?

What else do I like?? Well theres fashion. People say I dress like a weirdo, but I would prefer to be referred to as "unique." I love "different" designers--> Alice MCcall, Sass and Bide, Bettina Liano and Aleen. Well Aleens (and thats pronounced A-Lynne) not a fashion designer shes my BESTEST friend who is just studying to be a fashion stylistst the renowned Whithouse Fashion Institute (no not the one in Washington, and disappointingly it is not WHITE at all!!) Guys, shes great!! She has a great eye for fashion and coordiantion so if anyone needs hekp just comment me and I will hook you up (ALEEN YOU OWE ME--this is free publicity.)

And finally MASSAGES!! Anita this is where YOU come in. Seriously she gives the best massages (NO NO HAPPY ENDINGS) although you know what she doesnt GENEROUSLY share around her talent very much...(or maybe she just doesnt towards me...hmm ill have to look into that)

Well thats it from me this time
Till later
Caroline