There was a knock at my door. It was unusually forceful. Whoever it
was, was really banging their knuckles hard on the wood. ‘Fuck it’. I
was not in the mood for company. I took another puff of my 100 length
Camels and continued ironing. I was listening to Jean Metcalfe’s
Woman’s Hour on the wireless, and I did not want to be disturbed. And then I
heard the knock again. Louder. I remained standing above the board, my
palm tightly gripping the iron handle. The shadows of three men
circled my house. I barely heard their footsteps over the resonance of
my heart pounding in my ears. The living room window was lifted open.
I always left it unlocked. It was the “emergency” window, in case Leon
was really drunk and could not figure out which key turns the lock.
Instead he would open the window and stumble in. When he did this he
would never make it to the bedroom. I would hear him stumbling up the
stairs and smirk, because I knew that I would sleep without having to
take in the horrid stench of cheap perfume and even cheaper scotch.
I took off the pearls from around my neck. Leon liked it when I wore
them, and he spontaneously came home for lunch so I always kept them
on during the day. I maintained my pretences. I don’t know why. I
think it was because I did not want the neighbours to see me looking
less than ordinary, and think that I was not a good wife. It makes me
nervous knowing that people could think things about you that you have
no control over. He bought me expensive ones when we were newlywed.
‘Wear them everyday for me, like the good wife you are.’ Not long
after he gave them to me I found cheap imitations at the markets. I
have been wearing them ever since. He has never known the difference.
I pawned the ones he gave me and bought a Chanel dress. I will never
wear it.
…
He gave me a Chinese burn on my wrist. Fucking bastard. The other
wanker grabbed my ankles and tied them together. Then they threw my
body onto a standing wheelbarrow. I remember smiling. I must have been
because I was bloody well turned on. Two men were touching me; being
rough with me. I fucking loved it! A third guy opened the door and
they wheeled me out of my own house. This was most arousing treatment
I had received in a long time. The three men were dressed the same, in
light blue and white. I hated those colours, especially when worn
together. They were too innocent. Too pure.
I was lying down in the back of the van, and all I could see were the
power lines and clouds through the windows. I wandered whether we were
moving or not because neither of these things seemed to change. It was
noisy though, and I could hear the traffic so I suppose we were. I
like the noise. The silence makes me anxious.
I thought of the children. I must have uttered this out loud because
the three men almost violently turned back and glared at me. I caught
the eyes of one of them. His nametag yelled at me. William. He had the
deepest blue eyes I had ever seen. I was drowning in them. I could not
breathe. I needed someone to pull me out... And then he looked away,
focused his eyes onto the road, and I felt like I could breathe again,
like I was safe on sturdy land.
I couldn’t remember where they were, the children. It was a Saturday
afternoon, I was sure of it, so they could not have been at school.
Leon had gone away on a business trip. Again.
“Excuse me.”
Only William turned around. I wish that I looked prettier so that when
he looked into my eyes he could drown.
“Where are my children? Their names are Thomas and Alva. Are they
coming with us, too? Are they riding another van?”
Nobody answered me.
“Gentlemen, you know that it is rude to ignore a lady whilst she is speaking!”
The van went over a pothole.
The van stopped.
Suddenly.
I could not hear them for a little while, William and his friends. I
thought that they had left me. Then the big van doors opened outwards
and there they were, standing before me. William climbed into the van
and detached the tray I was on. The other two wheeled me out. It was
fun.
…
“Where are my children, Thomas and Alva Sinclair?
The man seated before me did not answer. I looked around. I was in a
dark room, with only one swinging torch light above me. It felt like
the man sitting in front of me was far away, because the wooden table
between us was so big. I don’t know why he needed such an
extravagantly sized table; there was nothing on it.
“Where are they?”
I asked again. He must have known.
“Where are my children?”
He scribbled something on a pad. The scratching sound of the pencil
when it grazed the paper was really loud. I could not understand what
was happening, why I was in this room and why nobody would tell me
where my children were. I just wanted my children. I only wanted to
know where they were.
The huge steal doors opened. It made a lot of noise, which I liked.
William and his friends returned with a thick jacket. This time I got
a clear view at their names tags. Benjamin and Dick. I smiled because
I was happy to see their familiar faces, but I became perplexed
because they brought me a jacket in the middle of a heat wave. I was
not cold. William held out one of my arms and Dick the other, and they
dressed me in the jacket.
I began laughing hysterically. I could not help it.
“What is so funny?”
I thought the voice was coming from a distance, but it was from the
man seated all the way behind the unnecessarily big wooden desk.
“His name is Dick!”
William chuckled. I swear I heard him.
Then Benjamin and Dick grabbed my arms tightly and escorted me out of
the room with the large wooden desk. I did not fight it, though. The
boys had their way with me. I let them.
…
I was seated in a chair. Then they attached wires to my skin. I looked
at William. He was looking at me too. We held our glance for what felt
like years. Then a steal cap was placed on my skull. Suddenly, all I
could feel were electric pulses travelling through my veins. I loved
it. I had never felt such adrenaline, such exhilaration. I felt
animated and I loved it.
“Again! Will you please do that again?”
Everybody was staring at me. I am assuming shock was the reaction that
was smeared onto each of their faces.
“It is quiet thrilling, almost like being on a rollercoaster ride.
William walked towards me. He untied me and the other two dragged me
down a long corridor.
This time I listened. I heard screams. One woman’s shrieks were
drowned out by the sound of electricity. I guess she also had the same
exhilarating experience as me.
And then I noticed something. Everybody in this place was wearing blue
and white. Even me. My jacket was blue and white. And I began to
scream. I hated these colours. The boys held me firmly as I twisted
and turned violently, trying to take it off. I could not understand
why they were making me wear something I did not want to. I was not a
child.
My children.
I was seated again in the dark room, across the man who was far away
because there was an unnecessarily huge wooden table between us.
