Ugly Alexia

It is bad.

Real bad.

It consumes me,
becomes me.

The thoughts become words,
the words become people,
and the people revolt...

And I become helpless.

"You are not good enough."
The words are loud.

"You are fat and ugly."
The message is strong

My stomach begins to churn,
sweat on your forehead.

The mirror looks back at me,
that girl looks at me

She looks like me,
but its not me.

She is only a remnant of myself.

I am the ugly girl.
I am the chubby girl.
The "good for nothing" girl.

I just want to stay home,
nobody can notice me,
nobody can judge me
and my imperfections.

I do not feel inadequate at home.
I can be me.
I can be sad.

Nobody is around,
and I like that.

I don't want anyone,
I dont desire noise.

Just me,
and she.

The loud girl
who puts me down.

I don't like her, really,
but she keeps me company,
and it is not so lonely.

But when she is loud,
it is hard to breathe.

My stomach hurts,
and I feel dizzy and numb.

I just want to scream at her,
but I believe her words.

What she tells me is true.

I wish it was not.

I believe her.

I wish I did not,
but she is so loud.

Her name is Alexia.

She used to visit occasionally,
but now she comes often.

She knocks when she is not wanted,
but I let her in.

She stays,
so i do not go.

I cannot.
Alexia is strong.

Too strong.