I recently had an argument with a colleague who has been tied up over a girl, and can’t seem to let her go. She now is in a new relationship, is happy, and barely speaks to my friend, and yet he remains in love with her. I just don’t understand. He becomes very miserable when she is mentioned and I can tell that he thinks about her all the time. She has made it perfectly clear that she no longer wants anything to do with him, but he just cannot seem to let her go. His stubborn nature is extremely infuriating, which is why a few nights ago I lashed out uncontrollably and poured my heart out, exclaiming to my broken-hearted friend that he needs to “…be a man and move on!” He was hurt, that became perfectly clear, but his state of mind didn’t change. He held onto his “victim” status, this “victim” mentality that he so readily keeps playing on. I explained to him that he wasn’t a victim, and that he was doing all “this” to himself. He told me that he was, and that no body ever stopped to think about him. I bet you are wandering “where the hell are you going with this,” but I have a point I promise. I explained to my friend that getting over somebody is easy and that I had recently accomplished it. I broke out of a relationship because, hey, I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t being treated great, heck, I was barely being treated as a “human.” So I got out. I found that that this experience gave me reason and authority to lash out at my friend for still being “hooked.”
My friend told me something then that made me think. He told me that getting over somebody wasn’t as easy as just “forgetting” about them, but rather allowing yourself to think that you were in a better situation than them, and thus moving forward, rather than moving “on.” His ex was now happily with another, someone of high social calibre. He was wealthy, handsome and had numerous friends, pretty much an all-rounder. She also had a new job and had even changed her social circle. Is this why he was finding it extremely difficult to move on? Is this why he was he felt like a victim? Because she dumped him, she moved forward without even a glimpse back? Because he had not yet found his CORE happiness, and she had already moved so forward that she was out of this universe? Ouch, without a doubt it would hurt, but I still don’t understand how that itself wouldn’t allow you to move on.
And then I thought some more. How was it that I was able to move on so quickly? I mean yeah, I grieved for a little while, but I bounced back hastily. I concluded that it was because I was in a better position than my ex. His circle of friends were a horrible influence, mine were great and extremely supportive. He was stuck in a 9-5 job every day while I was enjoying myself at uni, was working and had plenty of free time. Also many other things like buying myself a new car, and tutoring and meeting new people and going to new places upgraded my quality and standard of living while his remained mundane.
So maybe there is validity to my friend’s theory. Maybe its not YOU that moves on from somebody, but it is your circumstance, your “status” being above and beyond their’s which makes you feel invincible. Maybe my friend will never move on so long as his ex is “happy”, but one thing that I do know that once you do move on you feel as though you can take on the world. But until then you just have to hold on, and if you feel that your ex partner is beating you in this game of “who can get better quicker” don’t feel discouraged and quit, but rather keep your head down and do things that will improve yourself and your standard of living. Get a new job, join the gym, I mean I know this concept may sound unbelievable but you may even meet someone new and forget about that callous person who broke your “victim” heart.
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