Bigger Than Big

"Drama," "disaster," "tragedy,"...it goes on and on. These terms (and many more) illustrate the extent of the situation that you are "dealing with." But are they ever really that bad? When we look at ourselves in the mirror and think we look "fat" we exclaim "oh my goodness I look OBESE," or when we don't have much money we suggest that we are "poor." These are just a minor few examples ofcourse. What I am trying to say is that today we exaggerate every circumstance, to make it sound so much worse that it reall is. But what about the ACTUAL poor or morbidly obese person-what do they have to measure they extent of their situation to? Can they exaggerate? Also, could these "exaggerations" be responsible for the rising rate of depression, especially amongst adolescence? Many people say that "materialism" is to blame, although I would say that it is a result of a lack of comparison. Today, people are so ready to state the worse, that they feel as though there is nothing "worse" to compare themselves to-so when they do become worse, have they really hit rock bottom?

"I look like a pig." How depressing. Could you possibly compare yourself to anything worse or more degrading? Once you "...look like a pig" how much worse can you really look? ...And then the downward spiral begins.

So what do we do about it? Personally I do not think there is anything you can really do. This "exaggeration" is a prophecy that has been accumilated predominantly into western society amongst teens, and there would have to be a complete social overhaul prior to any significant change.

This post is just a thought I came across the other day when I looked in the mirror and said out loud "I look like a cow!" No, ofcourse I dont really look like a cow, but then I stopped and questioned my exclamation. "A cow?" Did I really look like a "cow?" I then realised that I was upset because I degraded myself. I compared myself to a derogatory animal and understandably I felt really mediocre about it.

So no. We never really look like cows or horses or squirrels. We look like humans-whether big or small we are human. I will no longer (voluntarily) degarde myself by comapring myself to a large animal again, and will correct anyone around me who does so.

Letting Go

Aleen is right about me. I really do sway from one extreme to another. I am either too happy or too sad; I either have too much money or too little, either dress really nicely or look really daggy. I just cannot seem to find a happy medium. And it is the same thing with “them.”

Gassia has a pattern. All of her boyfriends all have the same “look” about them; dark skin and spiky hair, and Anno, well she has just been with the same guy for almost forever. What about me? My pattern? I really don’t have one. I guess I am as random as the weather. Some aspects of their personalities match; for example I like insecure guys because I have a fantasy of being their so-called “saviour”, but besides that nothing seems regulated or even “thought about” for that matter.

It is extremely difficult to even begin to properly describe what I am trying to tell without stating names. Actually, I will make up names for the purpose of this article. A few years ago I fell head over heals with Fred. I had “known” him for a while, we went to the same high school and he was even my assistant basketball coach, I even thought he was extremely good looking, but we never really took any interest in one another. And then it happened. He had graduated high school, I was on my second last year and he continually approached me, at friend’s houses, at the shops, at functions... Honestly I really didn’t think much of him. I always thought, “What would he, someone who is older and more mature, want from a high school girl like me?” I guess that is just the thing about “great loves,” you never really expect them. So yeah, I fell in love. And then he just stopped. He stopped speaking to me, he stopped knowing me, and he just stopped. That’s another thing about this prophecy known as “love.” It is nothing but a chase. Somebody wants you they chase you. Once they have you they don’t want to play anymore. So you could imagine how my world came crashing down. Way, way down.

What I loved most about Fred though was his vulnerability. He was insecure and extremely shy. When he met someone new, he barely spoke, unless of course he was spoken to. He just had this innocence about him. He didn’t believe in himself, which is why he would spend his Saturday nights getting extremely drunk at UN until about 5am, which is why he never had a proper job, which is why he lied a lot about his past, which is why he lied about his future, which is why he cut off relationships, partly because he thought he was never good enough, which is why he felt like he had to put down others. Don’t ask me why but I fell in love with all that. I had this fantasy that I would tame him. I would make him a better person and he would love me more because of it. I dreamt that I would be the dominant party in the relationship and that he would just…I don’t know…let me. But boy was I wrong. He didn’t want any part in my fantasy; he barely even wanted to know me. I think creating a distance between us was his way of telling me that I knew too many of his secrets and he didn’t want me around in case I revealed them. Being in love of course I refused to listen to any of the signs and I tore down walls, eventually tearing apart my own heart, for him to pay attention to me.

And then I gave up. I had to. I just threw in the towel. He had won. He didn’t want me so I left him alone. I left and as soon as I did he found someone new. I always secretly hoped that it wasn’t me that was the problem, that it was him. That he was the one afraid of commitment, and that if he wouldn’t be with me he wouldn’t be with anyone. Could I have been more stupid? All along he was telling me, in not so many words, to leave me alone but I just kept holding on until finally when I did let go he swung right into somebody else’s arms. I saw him a little bit after he began seeing his new girlfriend. I hugged him and told him I missed him. He didn’t reply. The signs were screaming and this time I listened. I pulled away and have never “touched” him again. Until today I have never stopped thinking about my “great unrequited love.” I wait for the day that I will see him again. I also await his response. When will he ever tell me that he misses me to?

I suppose “getting over” was made a little easier by my next affiliation. I wont say that he was a great love, but rather a great mistake. Thomas, as I will refer to him, came into my life a little over a year ago, and has haunted my thought ever since. We spent time together, spoke together, laughed together and even bled together, but all that was never good enough. He told me about previous heartaches and how his trust in the opposite sex had been hindered. He told me how he let them become close to him, and then they betrayed him. I think he was telling me as if to either warn me, or educate me. It is funny. He knew I was good, he knew I would do ANYTHING for him and yet he kept me at an arms length. One day close and the next distant, one day nice and the next cruel. His fluctuating moods caused my heart and emotions to do the same. When he was “good” I felt great; when he was “bad” I just wanted to die. He knew the effect he had on me, he knew how he made me feel, and yet he continued to act. I just don’t understand how someone could know they were inflicting pain onto another being, and just keep doing it?

Why did I put up with so much? In retrospect believed that if I held through in the end we would together be in a perfect relation, whatever that is. Oh how naïve of I. For someone who is meant to be “intelligent” I sure can be stupid sometimes.

That is when I changed my mind. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore; helpless. My “happiness” was in the hands of someone else, someone who was breaking my heart on purpose. Someone who was crude and selfish and who didn’t care what pain he caused me. I ended my relationship with him and I haven’t looked back. I must admit our good days were “good,” but in no way did they outweigh the “bad.” Yes, I do miss him, but I am also strong. I have overcome any nostalgic feeling I may have and have come out on top. This emancipation was much easier that initially thought, you just have to decide to “free” yourself. And I did, and now everyday is a “good” day.

So, I guess Aleen is right. I suppose I do sway from one extreme to another. And although I may not always see the truth straightaway, when it knocks at my head, I always answer.

Victim Hearts; Poor Circles

I recently had an argument with a colleague who has been tied up over a girl, and can’t seem to let her go. She now is in a new relationship, is happy, and barely speaks to my friend, and yet he remains in love with her. I just don’t understand. He becomes very miserable when she is mentioned and I can tell that he thinks about her all the time. She has made it perfectly clear that she no longer wants anything to do with him, but he just cannot seem to let her go. His stubborn nature is extremely infuriating, which is why a few nights ago I lashed out uncontrollably and poured my heart out, exclaiming to my broken-hearted friend that he needs to “…be a man and move on!” He was hurt, that became perfectly clear, but his state of mind didn’t change. He held onto his “victim” status, this “victim” mentality that he so readily keeps playing on. I explained to him that he wasn’t a victim, and that he was doing all “this” to himself. He told me that he was, and that no body ever stopped to think about him. I bet you are wandering “where the hell are you going with this,” but I have a point I promise. I explained to my friend that getting over somebody is easy and that I had recently accomplished it. I broke out of a relationship because, hey, I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t being treated great, heck, I was barely being treated as a “human.” So I got out. I found that that this experience gave me reason and authority to lash out at my friend for still being “hooked.”

My friend told me something then that made me think. He told me that getting over somebody wasn’t as easy as just “forgetting” about them, but rather allowing yourself to think that you were in a better situation than them, and thus moving forward, rather than moving “on.” His ex was now happily with another, someone of high social calibre. He was wealthy, handsome and had numerous friends, pretty much an all-rounder. She also had a new job and had even changed her social circle. Is this why he was finding it extremely difficult to move on? Is this why he was he felt like a victim? Because she dumped him, she moved forward without even a glimpse back? Because he had not yet found his CORE happiness, and she had already moved so forward that she was out of this universe? Ouch, without a doubt it would hurt, but I still don’t understand how that itself wouldn’t allow you to move on.

And then I thought some more. How was it that I was able to move on so quickly? I mean yeah, I grieved for a little while, but I bounced back hastily. I concluded that it was because I was in a better position than my ex. His circle of friends were a horrible influence, mine were great and extremely supportive. He was stuck in a 9-5 job every day while I was enjoying myself at uni, was working and had plenty of free time. Also many other things like buying myself a new car, and tutoring and meeting new people and going to new places upgraded my quality and standard of living while his remained mundane.

So maybe there is validity to my friend’s theory. Maybe its not YOU that moves on from somebody, but it is your circumstance, your “status” being above and beyond their’s which makes you feel invincible. Maybe my friend will never move on so long as his ex is “happy”, but one thing that I do know that once you do move on you feel as though you can take on the world. But until then you just have to hold on, and if you feel that your ex partner is beating you in this game of “who can get better quicker” don’t feel discouraged and quit, but rather keep your head down and do things that will improve yourself and your standard of living. Get a new job, join the gym, I mean I know this concept may sound unbelievable but you may even meet someone new and forget about that callous person who broke your “victim” heart.

Something Like A Phenomenon

"Emancipation." What a word. What a term. Oh how good it feels to be free. Free from pain, free from fear, free from doom. All-in -all, free from love.

"Relief." This term follows. Broken hearts healed, joined together by glue otherwise knows as courage, prosperity and faith. All people have experienced this great phenomenon knows as heartache, but has everybody ventured the equally marvellous prodigy knows as "love?" Peoples hearts are torn apart and shattered each day, but do as many people fall in love? And if so, then why is every song on the radio, every book on the self, every article in the paper based on a broken heart? I mean yes, ofcourse true love occurs, but how long does it really last? When you fall in love there is the chance of losing that person. Once they are gone, what else is there? The hope that they will come back? The faith they another will enter your life? Keep dreaming reader!

And that brings me to another thought. What if our dreams can never be reality? What if we are doomed to prosper in only what we currently live in-our reality. Is this it? Lonely nights, meaningless hook-ups, a meeting here and there which prospers into a relaionship, later for the particpants to realise that their other is cheating, or dealing or even is married to someone else! I have a friend (who will remain nameless.) She fell head-over-heel inlove with a man whom she thought loved her back. They went on holidays together, slept together, ate together. One dreadful day, my nameless friend receives a call from her boyfriends so-called WIFE. Never again did she see or speak to him. Do you see what I mean? Is this it?

And yes, okay, you find the right one and marry. Then what? Have a few kids, gain a mortgage and then divorce. You don't need to wander far to acknowledge how many marriaged end successfully?

What is happening to us? Is love growing further from us, or hered a though, are we growing away from love? We all want a special someone to share our lives with, but is it now a little more superficial than that? Are we all looking for a certain type, for a certain fantast that can remain merely that, a fantasy. What if we arent any longer looking for love but rather heartache? I read recently that people enjoy being miserable. Do we like to such an extent that we confuse it for love?

I bet I have your head tangled right now. Well, that brings me back to my intial paragraph. "Emancipation" and "relief." What better terms following such an article.

Vulnerable Insecurity

I was told yesterday by someone that I was the most insecure person that they know. And I thought about it, and I was. Well, i dont know if I was the most insecure person that they knew, but I was insecure. Sometimes I just dont feel good enough, actually I think the word is "worthy." I just feel like having me around is a chore, is a task, so much so not an enjoyable concept. I have come to learn that I am my own worst enemy. Lately I have had thoughts, actually no scrap that, I have had demons digging away at the thoughts in my head, stimulating them into dark, negative shadows within my head.

There is a dark whole, a pit in the centre of my gut, it is open, and out of it is flowing my tears . "Stay strong," I tell myself, "after the storm comes the rainbow," but its hard. It is hard not to cry, it is hard to lift my head and gaze, it is hard to inhale and even harder to allow my heart to beat without exerting pain. My best friend told me that I enjoy feeling this way, but I promise that I dont. I have been happy, I have flown, but I find that each time I do I just crash and burn; each time I fly I just fall.

I read somewhere once that everyone has the same mission in life; to find themselves and to find love. So then why are some people insecure; why am I insecure? I just have the same mission as everyone else in this life, but yet i feel inadequate. Why do i doubt myself and my goals if they are the same as everyone elses? Is everyone insecure? Maybe everyone secretly doubts themselves?

I feel like Im trapped, and even if I wanted to get out of this bubble of negatvity I couldnt.

Maybe I just dont want to.

Fatal Attraction

Everyone loves (or at least likes) their friends...I mean, afterall you choose them. They are your special selection of people that you have chosen to spend your time with, associate with, share your dreams with, laugh with, fight with and cry with. So then why do we fight with them, why do they annoy us, why do we drift apart, who do we lose touch and why do we make eachother cry? This goes back to my theory on "gifts" (refer to "Lovers and Gifts" (Sept 6) ) whereby you would go to the ends of the Earth for your "true" friends. But how do you know who your gifts and your friends are? For me, its the feeling I receive when I am around certain people. Suddenly, I become wrapped within a certain person, I forget everything that annoys me and everything that angers me and I concentrate on the happiness that the person I am with brings me. I mean yeah, ofcourse, friends make you feel good too, but its the "gifts" that really make a deep impact in your life. Could you say then that you "LOVE" your gifts. Well "love" is a strong word you see, and honestly I dont think I know the difference between "love" and "deep like" so I can't comment on that topic. What I do know is that deep like is a great feeling, but you know what, sometimes when I like someone a lot, when I am in deep like with someone, I get upset.

I know, I know, it sounds odd, but it upsets me because your feelings are YOURS, and to have strong feelings for somebody else, no matter what sex they are upsets me. Sometimes when I like someone alot I have a tendency to put aside my own interests to satisfy the other person. That is what upsets me. Why should someone do that, no matter how much they like someone. Shouldn't they like themselves more? It confuses me to an extent you wouldnt believe.

I once read that "love" is just a chemical reaction of the brain. I heard somewhere else that "love" is nothing but a cultural creation, titilsed by commercial exaggerations, including Valentines Day and the whole romance genre. My analogy is deeper than all that. It is a universal force that pulls and entices someone to you. All of your senses become involved in "loving" a certain person. It is called "ATTARCTION." And attraction doesnt only occur on a physical level, it is a spiritual and mental force that pulls you to somebody else.

I suppose then that that is what you build your friend basis upon-attraction. You are attracted to a certain person and thus want to spend your time with them-that is a friend-the gifts are those who stick around.

So why do we fight with our friends, and why do friendships crumble? Is it because we arent "attracted" to that person anymore? Have we found someone else more attractive? Has the person/people become unattractive? Hmmm, the concept is interesting and applies to everybody in everyday life, although nobody actually knows the answer to it.

More simply, "why do we get over people?"

Lovers and Gifts

Do you believe in destiny? That the universe works in some weird and wanderful way to bring you closer to somebody else, or that what is supposedly "meant to be" happens to you? I may sound pretentious but I have to say that yes, I do believe in this force called "destiny" or this concept of "meant to be." I especially believe in this term when it comes to meeting and befriending people. One of my best friends told me last night that I don't think I will actually forget. He told me that two different types of people enter your life; friends and gifts. Friends are those who come and go, who are there for the good times, who are there for a little while, but they make no real inprint within your life. You have a great laugh with them, but there is no real spiritual connections or bond that makes your relationship special. And then there are gifts, and you dont "receive" gifts very often. Gifts are those people who enter your life solemnly and chnage your life swiftly, most of them without any intention or notice. Gifts are those good people who make YOU a better person. Gifts are those people who make you think about how much you have chnaged, and how much of a better person you have become and because of such make a tear seep down from the inside of your eye onto your chin and land upon your pillow, eventually soaking it. Luckily, I have a few gifts in my life. I will keep them nameless but they know who they are. Actually, in retrospect I dont think i let people know adequately what they mean to me and the degree of impact they have on my life. There are 3 people in particular I can think of at the moment and I think straight after I read I am going to give them a call or hug them--hopefully they will read this so that they know why I just gave thema bear hug or told them I loved them.Well thats it, my lunchbreak is over, I gotta get back to work now.I hope what I have said will make you think twice about your friends and how much they really mean to you, because dont forget your are born into your family, but your friends are the family that you chose for yourself.