...You Saw Me Too

I saw you today, did you know that? Ofcourse you do because you saw me too. You smiled at me and said hello and I smiled back but that was all. Isnt it sad? Is it not a shame that this what we have succumbed to? This is all that is left. A smile. Not a touch, not a word, but a smile.

You do not know this but I cried afterwards. I broke down in solitude, where nobody could see. I dont know why. Maybe it was because I missed you, or maybe I want to be with you still. I dont really know, all that I do is that I shed a tear for you and for this I wont forgive myself because you tookthe best of me, and I let you take it.

Every Other Day People-By Jack Packham

A is for Androgonous
B is for Bavarian
C is for Charmanda
D is for Dogmatic
E is for Elegant
F is for Fat
G is for Goanna
H is for Heinous
I is for Iguana
J is for Jack
K is for Koala
L is for Limestone
M is for Maps
N is for Nelly
O is for Octagon
P is for Provincial
Q is for Quebec
R is for Regan
S is for Salamander
T is for Tertiary
U is for Underappreciated
V is for Vendetta
W is for Wilbur
X is for Xerces
Y is for Yellowstone
Z is for Zimbabwe

Confused and Scared

So we went out tonight. Him, me and a few friends. I thought I really liked him but now I am sitting in my bed, with second, third and fourth thoughts rushing through my head. I was thinking of 100 reasons why I should not fall for him, but there was only ONE feeling situated at the back of my head: FEAR. I fear that he doesn't like me therefore I will wind up heartbroken. Another rather BIG fear of mine is that I am not good enough for him, or I do not reach his standards. He is the "perfect" boy; smart, talented, fit, oh and did I mention smart. He has deep dimples and beautiful eyes and pink cheeks. He also has a really nice stance and strut. Told you he was perfect.

And what do I have? He just thinks that I am the "wog girl" who is not very bright. I know that just because HE does not think I am smart and talented does not mean that I am not. But you can't help but doubt yourself when someone as intelligent as he is does not think much of you, especially when you have feelings for him.

I will close my heart. Yes there is a chance that I will miss out on "a romance" but there is an even bigger chance that I will turn up heartbroken. I don't think I have healed since "the last one" anyway. But maybe that is just an excuse. Oh I do not know how I feel about anyone, all I know is that I am scared!

So what to do. Close my heart seems to be the only option.

I hope things turn around, but I hoesntly doubt that it would.

I will keep you posted.

...And Again

And again,
on a silver platter,
was placed a chance,
to my heart
and soul,
for happiness,
for bliss,
for one eternal kiss,
to touch,
to hold,
but my heart to the devil I have sold,
I am cursed,
to never love,
even if I am to be,
every time I say ill stay,
I run away,
as far as my legs can move,
away from sanity,
away from day,
away from bright,
and into shades of grey,
where nothing I say,
will make you stay.


Written: 14th March 2007

No Speak English

Have you ever caught yourself in the midst of doing something and suddenly stopping to realise that you don't know why you are doing it? An obvious example is when you walk into a room with a certain intention, and then you forget what it is, or if you are looking for something and you forget what? Well what about when you break up with someone and you only reminisce about the "good times" and want to get back with that person? When you are still in the process of “getting over that person” and suddenly you begin talking and fall for them all over again.

"Nostalgia." Such a dangerous term. My grandmother enters my mind when I think of this concept. She left war-torn Lebanon, with her 7 children and 1 suitcase, for that reason-the violence, the war and the hardship. Yet she insists that life there was GREAT!If it were as pleasant as she describes she would still be there would she not? Why would one pack their bags and travel thousands of kilometres to the "land down under," where the toilet flushed the other way and they drove on the "wrong" side of the road if she were happy and comfortable in Lebanon? If there was no hardship and suffering would she had even considered moving?

Now think about this concept in the context of relationships and break-ups. You are in a relationship, things don't work out and it ends. The first few weeks are difficult and simultaneously emancipating. Six months pass and you begin talking to your ex again. You discuss what you have been up to, what have you done or achieved since being apart. You might laugh together and begin to reminisce (there's that word again) and then you feel “funny.” You feel as though there are butterflies in your stomach. You develop "feelings" all over again and start thinking to yourself "why did we ever break up?" This is where you need to be strong. You broke up because "it" broke. Unfortunately no one changes. If the two of you broke up for a reason, chances are you would probably break up because of the same reason if you ever rekindled your relationship.

For your own sake do not be like my grandmother. Do not become nostalgic and start thinking only of the good times the two of you shared. The relationship broke down and you broke up-do you sense the repeated them here? If your relationship was going smoeethly you would still be in it! My grandmother sometimes forgets the circumstances under which she left Lebanon-she forgets the war, and having to lie about her children's age to keep them out of the army, she forgets the blood stained snow and the deafening sounds of bombs above her building every night. But you see, she does not know any better. To her that was home, she knew the language and the streets were familiar. She has come to the "new country' and it is here where she is a prisoner, where she barely leaves her house because she does not know where to go.

Don't be like her. Be smarter and stronger. Understand that your relationship ended for a reason, and that was that it broke. I realise that when we become nostalgic over "old loves" and "want them back" it is not necessarily the person we are missing but rather what they represented-companionship, love and someone to turn to. Maybe that is why my grandmother reminisces. Perhaps it is not hat she misses Lebanon, but she craves the familiarity of living in a country where she knows the language.

Be brave and more importantly be smart. Do not look back for positive reinforcement; rather look forward. You have finished that chapter in your life so close the book-if need be become the author of your own novel, just don’t think that what you had is by any means better than where you are going. Remember you broke up because it was broken. And as for my grandmother, well she I recently enrolled in English speaking classes.

Job Description

"When I grow up" I want to be a journalist. After a recent conversation with my university lecturer it hit me that most (good) jobs, including journalism, do not require university degrees. Mr Lecturer told me that " a journalist is anyone who has published a anything." Vague huh? So, since I have been working on this blog, I AM a journalist, wouldn't you think?

So I thought, "why am I studying?" Well rather than earning a degree ofcourse, can I not just publish THIS blog and publish a few opinion blogs in the Sydney Morning Herald and use that as a portfolio?

I will graduate university ofcourse, but can a degree ever really match up to a certain degree of experience? What if I never went to uni and obtained a degree, and I just began blogging, and it really it achieved 20,000 hits per week and a big media outlet took notice and hired me as a writer or a company noticed and advertised on my site? What then? Did I really need to go to uni? Or you can look at it from the other end. What if I obtain a degree but never have a good job? What is my degree worth?

I am scared. Im scared I wont make it. It has been a dream of mine, for as long as I could possibly remember to become a writer. Whether it be a novel or research or even a script, it is my passion, and I fear that I wont get a "big break." I wish to be very successful-am I being childish? I sit here and take a deep breath looking at my university assignment. Do I need to do really well in this to become a good writer and be successful "when I grow up?"

I do not know. All I can say is that I want to do do well and be successful in WHATEVER field I chose to endevour. I wish myself good luck. I will keep you posted on how I go-hopefully well.

Bigger Than Big

"Drama," "disaster," "tragedy,"...it goes on and on. These terms (and many more) illustrate the extent of the situation that you are "dealing with." But are they ever really that bad? When we look at ourselves in the mirror and think we look "fat" we exclaim "oh my goodness I look OBESE," or when we don't have much money we suggest that we are "poor." These are just a minor few examples ofcourse. What I am trying to say is that today we exaggerate every circumstance, to make it sound so much worse that it reall is. But what about the ACTUAL poor or morbidly obese person-what do they have to measure they extent of their situation to? Can they exaggerate? Also, could these "exaggerations" be responsible for the rising rate of depression, especially amongst adolescence? Many people say that "materialism" is to blame, although I would say that it is a result of a lack of comparison. Today, people are so ready to state the worse, that they feel as though there is nothing "worse" to compare themselves to-so when they do become worse, have they really hit rock bottom?

"I look like a pig." How depressing. Could you possibly compare yourself to anything worse or more degrading? Once you "...look like a pig" how much worse can you really look? ...And then the downward spiral begins.

So what do we do about it? Personally I do not think there is anything you can really do. This "exaggeration" is a prophecy that has been accumilated predominantly into western society amongst teens, and there would have to be a complete social overhaul prior to any significant change.

This post is just a thought I came across the other day when I looked in the mirror and said out loud "I look like a cow!" No, ofcourse I dont really look like a cow, but then I stopped and questioned my exclamation. "A cow?" Did I really look like a "cow?" I then realised that I was upset because I degraded myself. I compared myself to a derogatory animal and understandably I felt really mediocre about it.

So no. We never really look like cows or horses or squirrels. We look like humans-whether big or small we are human. I will no longer (voluntarily) degarde myself by comapring myself to a large animal again, and will correct anyone around me who does so.