Goodbye

I was reading the several confidential letters that I have written to you and oh so much has changed. We became friends, best friends in fact, and now it seems like a dream. I think about you and I try to remember the millions of seconds that we spent together but I can't. All that I recall is my happiness.

I woke up and now you are gone. I pushed you away, and I hate to admit that I want you back.

I thought I hated you, but now I know that I dont. I just loved you too much to see you always doing wrong. Your flaws and mistakes were becoming mine. They defeated you so they defeated me. They took the best of you and the brought out the worst in me. But you STILL act like you don’t care.

I don’t know if you remember this but you mumbled something to me once that turned my whole world around. You told me you loved me. Remember? We on the dance floor. I was going to hug you and you held me and said “do you know how much I love you?” Oh how I did. I knew because I felt exactly the same. But now, I don’t know. I don’t know whether you loved me, and I don’t know whether I loved you. At the time you and those words, meant the world to me. Nothing and nobody else mattered, they never could.

Suddenly I couldn’t. I couldn’t love you anymore, I couldn’t put up with you. I just couldn’t. And I am sorry. I hope one day you find someone who will. I hope that she is great and makes you happy the way that that I couldn’t, because if I did I wouldn't be writing this letter.

Goodbye. That is all that I can say. At first only my arms had let you go but now my heart has too. I don’t cry anymore and I don’t lose sleep. But I must say I don’t laugh as much as i did. And still I am glad that you are gone.

I will always love you, more than anyone could ever know. That will never die, but I hate how you act. I loathe the person you make yourself out to be. Why do you insist on acting so hard when inside you have a heart that is so soft? Yeah okay, you have been hurt, but you are not the only one who has cried. Trust me.

I have never told you this but you saved my life. You came into my world exactly when I needed you. That is why I loved you so much, because you turned my whole being around. And my love did the same for you. I enlightened you, I made you a better person, and everyone could see. I am proud of you for letting me in the way you did. Thankyou. But now you are gone, and I think it is right.

Goodbye. That is my last word to you. Please dont forget me. I will never forget you.
Caroline.
6th May 2008

...You Saw Me Too

I saw you today, did you know that? Ofcourse you do because you saw me too. You smiled at me and said hello and I smiled back but that was all. Isnt it sad? Is it not a shame that this what we have succumbed to? This is all that is left. A smile. Not a touch, not a word, but a smile.

You do not know this but I cried afterwards. I broke down in solitude, where nobody could see. I dont know why. Maybe it was because I missed you, or maybe I want to be with you still. I dont really know, all that I do is that I shed a tear for you and for this I wont forgive myself because you tookthe best of me, and I let you take it.

Every Other Day People-By Jack Packham

A is for Androgonous
B is for Bavarian
C is for Charmanda
D is for Dogmatic
E is for Elegant
F is for Fat
G is for Goanna
H is for Heinous
I is for Iguana
J is for Jack
K is for Koala
L is for Limestone
M is for Maps
N is for Nelly
O is for Octagon
P is for Provincial
Q is for Quebec
R is for Regan
S is for Salamander
T is for Tertiary
U is for Underappreciated
V is for Vendetta
W is for Wilbur
X is for Xerces
Y is for Yellowstone
Z is for Zimbabwe

Confused and Scared

So we went out tonight. Him, me and a few friends. I thought I really liked him but now I am sitting in my bed, with second, third and fourth thoughts rushing through my head. I was thinking of 100 reasons why I should not fall for him, but there was only ONE feeling situated at the back of my head: FEAR. I fear that he doesn't like me therefore I will wind up heartbroken. Another rather BIG fear of mine is that I am not good enough for him, or I do not reach his standards. He is the "perfect" boy; smart, talented, fit, oh and did I mention smart. He has deep dimples and beautiful eyes and pink cheeks. He also has a really nice stance and strut. Told you he was perfect.

And what do I have? He just thinks that I am the "wog girl" who is not very bright. I know that just because HE does not think I am smart and talented does not mean that I am not. But you can't help but doubt yourself when someone as intelligent as he is does not think much of you, especially when you have feelings for him.

I will close my heart. Yes there is a chance that I will miss out on "a romance" but there is an even bigger chance that I will turn up heartbroken. I don't think I have healed since "the last one" anyway. But maybe that is just an excuse. Oh I do not know how I feel about anyone, all I know is that I am scared!

So what to do. Close my heart seems to be the only option.

I hope things turn around, but I hoesntly doubt that it would.

I will keep you posted.

...And Again

And again,
on a silver platter,
was placed a chance,
to my heart
and soul,
for happiness,
for bliss,
for one eternal kiss,
to touch,
to hold,
but my heart to the devil I have sold,
I am cursed,
to never love,
even if I am to be,
every time I say ill stay,
I run away,
as far as my legs can move,
away from sanity,
away from day,
away from bright,
and into shades of grey,
where nothing I say,
will make you stay.


Written: 14th March 2007

No Speak English

Have you ever caught yourself in the midst of doing something and suddenly stopping to realise that you don't know why you are doing it? An obvious example is when you walk into a room with a certain intention, and then you forget what it is, or if you are looking for something and you forget what? Well what about when you break up with someone and you only reminisce about the "good times" and want to get back with that person? When you are still in the process of “getting over that person” and suddenly you begin talking and fall for them all over again.

"Nostalgia." Such a dangerous term. My grandmother enters my mind when I think of this concept. She left war-torn Lebanon, with her 7 children and 1 suitcase, for that reason-the violence, the war and the hardship. Yet she insists that life there was GREAT!If it were as pleasant as she describes she would still be there would she not? Why would one pack their bags and travel thousands of kilometres to the "land down under," where the toilet flushed the other way and they drove on the "wrong" side of the road if she were happy and comfortable in Lebanon? If there was no hardship and suffering would she had even considered moving?

Now think about this concept in the context of relationships and break-ups. You are in a relationship, things don't work out and it ends. The first few weeks are difficult and simultaneously emancipating. Six months pass and you begin talking to your ex again. You discuss what you have been up to, what have you done or achieved since being apart. You might laugh together and begin to reminisce (there's that word again) and then you feel “funny.” You feel as though there are butterflies in your stomach. You develop "feelings" all over again and start thinking to yourself "why did we ever break up?" This is where you need to be strong. You broke up because "it" broke. Unfortunately no one changes. If the two of you broke up for a reason, chances are you would probably break up because of the same reason if you ever rekindled your relationship.

For your own sake do not be like my grandmother. Do not become nostalgic and start thinking only of the good times the two of you shared. The relationship broke down and you broke up-do you sense the repeated them here? If your relationship was going smoeethly you would still be in it! My grandmother sometimes forgets the circumstances under which she left Lebanon-she forgets the war, and having to lie about her children's age to keep them out of the army, she forgets the blood stained snow and the deafening sounds of bombs above her building every night. But you see, she does not know any better. To her that was home, she knew the language and the streets were familiar. She has come to the "new country' and it is here where she is a prisoner, where she barely leaves her house because she does not know where to go.

Don't be like her. Be smarter and stronger. Understand that your relationship ended for a reason, and that was that it broke. I realise that when we become nostalgic over "old loves" and "want them back" it is not necessarily the person we are missing but rather what they represented-companionship, love and someone to turn to. Maybe that is why my grandmother reminisces. Perhaps it is not hat she misses Lebanon, but she craves the familiarity of living in a country where she knows the language.

Be brave and more importantly be smart. Do not look back for positive reinforcement; rather look forward. You have finished that chapter in your life so close the book-if need be become the author of your own novel, just don’t think that what you had is by any means better than where you are going. Remember you broke up because it was broken. And as for my grandmother, well she I recently enrolled in English speaking classes.

Job Description

"When I grow up" I want to be a journalist. After a recent conversation with my university lecturer it hit me that most (good) jobs, including journalism, do not require university degrees. Mr Lecturer told me that " a journalist is anyone who has published a anything." Vague huh? So, since I have been working on this blog, I AM a journalist, wouldn't you think?

So I thought, "why am I studying?" Well rather than earning a degree ofcourse, can I not just publish THIS blog and publish a few opinion blogs in the Sydney Morning Herald and use that as a portfolio?

I will graduate university ofcourse, but can a degree ever really match up to a certain degree of experience? What if I never went to uni and obtained a degree, and I just began blogging, and it really it achieved 20,000 hits per week and a big media outlet took notice and hired me as a writer or a company noticed and advertised on my site? What then? Did I really need to go to uni? Or you can look at it from the other end. What if I obtain a degree but never have a good job? What is my degree worth?

I am scared. Im scared I wont make it. It has been a dream of mine, for as long as I could possibly remember to become a writer. Whether it be a novel or research or even a script, it is my passion, and I fear that I wont get a "big break." I wish to be very successful-am I being childish? I sit here and take a deep breath looking at my university assignment. Do I need to do really well in this to become a good writer and be successful "when I grow up?"

I do not know. All I can say is that I want to do do well and be successful in WHATEVER field I chose to endevour. I wish myself good luck. I will keep you posted on how I go-hopefully well.